Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
