Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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