i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
