The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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