i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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