Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
3 2 1 whiskey
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
