apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize