My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
