hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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