WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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