dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Randomize
