That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
