hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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