nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
