Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
