i'm signing you up for texting rehab
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
