What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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