all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
