I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
