I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize