I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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