her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
