Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
