I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
whose parrot is this?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize