A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
