New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
