when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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