i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
