this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
