Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
