What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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