Pregnant stripper...not hot.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
