I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
