is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize