Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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