I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
