It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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