Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
