my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
