How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
and i looked up. we had an audience...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
