life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
