Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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