god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
