I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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