these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize