So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
