He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize