how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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