Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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