I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
