I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
