I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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