I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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