I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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