Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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