yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
