I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize