I can't watch pbs sober anymore
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
