her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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