alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
